This weekend I danced at my first non-school-associated gig evar. ^_^  It was both lots of fun, aaaand hectic as all get-out; because I was both dancing AND vending that day- and it seemed everything was kinda going’ free-form & plan-free- except for the event schedule. *lol*  (I also had no idea I’d have nowhere to change into my belly garb- so.. *laughing* yeah.. I kinda came in regular clothes.. and that kinda got done behind my dance partner who held my veil up between me & potential on-lookers, and 2 closed sides of an open “green room” tent. *lmao*  Eventually it got done though, and despite literally shaking like a leaf on a tree at first, I think it went okay! :D

Dancng with the gorgeous Kindle (who invited me to dance at the event) was so much fun, and she knows SO MUCH more about bellydance that it just blows my mind.  (Yet she still calls herself a beginner! o.O)  We improv’ed the whole show pretty much, and essentially did 4 songs, all by the seats of our pantaloons. ;)  As far as the vending went, I didn’t sell anything that day, but it was so lovely seeing friends, having them there to support me, and dancing with Kindle that the sales part really didn’t matter too much. :)  Ooh!  But I might have made a friend or two in the process, so.. that was another blessing.  X)

Our set consisted of me starting w/an outlined improv to Audrey Levine’s “Egyptian Ella,” then Kindle dancing to “Rusted Railway” by Dirtwire.  Then the two of us danced together completely free-form to DeScribe & Smoolik’s “Modern-Day Moses” (which is so, SO freakin’ catchy!) and lastly came Beats Antique’s instrumental version of “Came to get Down.”  I sword-danced my way through “Modern-Day Moses” (which actually turned out pretty well, despite the crazy-nerves ;)), and Kindle positively shined all the way through, w/o a single prop. :)  (In fact, I wanna be as radiant as Kindle someday, “when I grow up.” ;))

Lastly, while we all know that being photographed from below is rarely flattering (regardless of figure- but especially for us big girls), I really hope that you dig these photos as much as I do- if not more! :)  These were my favorites out of all the beautiful pics that Amodeo Photography took of our performance, and I wanna give huge props to them- ‘cause I know that taking pics of big folks isn’t always easy. ♥  While I wish I could make my middle and my chin smaller, I hope folks see the passion & joy in ‘em, and not just some fat girl making a git of herself. ;)

Saturday definitely taught me many things- but at least where pics go, I learned that every moment outside the dressing room (and sometimes even in it!) are places where a dancer may be photographed; so I gotta work on things like being prepared in ANY scenario for pics, keeping a library of poses ready for off-stage AND on-stage shots, and on keeping a more natural smile on-stage.  (Not to mention preventing “sword face-”  which I totally thought I’d mastered- until I saw some of the other pics in the event’s original set. *lol*)  

It’s funny.. in prepping and dancing I always enjoy how I look and feel.  (Unless I’m busy trying to pull one costume element free from another- ‘cause it always happens in places I can’t reach, and something’s ALWAYS getting caught on somethng else. ;))  ..But then, when I see pics of myself, I get sooooo hateful and critical!  I try not to, but I often end up scrutinizing images of myself & hating what I see. :P  Does everyone pretty much do this, or is it just me..?  I hate it!  I make myself and others feel bad as I pick myself apart, even though I may be proud of myself for doing x activity, or if I had the time of my life doing y.  Why do we DO such things to ourselves..?  It’s so dumb!! :P  I AM becoming proud of who, and what, I am, and am working -really- hard to build my self esteem and not hate myself- inside, or out.  ..But sometimes, it isn’t easy.  And I find especially when I take a look at pictures of me and everything’s not “Perfect..” it’s especially hard…  Do you know what I mean..?  *shakes head*  So, beginning today, I resolve to try & change this about myself. :)  

While I may not be happy with every curve I see in the mirror or in photos, I hearby resolve to love ALL OF ME, not just PARTS of me.  Every bit of me is worthy and deserving of love, and it takes allll of this body to do what I do; to dance and to practice, to move and be the person I am- at my best and my worst.  It takes every piece of me inside & out to go up on stage, and have the courage to face the world- to let everyone and everything in, because whether most folks know it or not, that’s much of what stepping onto a stage means.  It means that you’re willing to show the world what you’ve got, and subject yourself to everyone’s thoughts, feelings & opinions of you- no matter how critical or positive they may be.  AND THAT TAKES GUTS. 

I need to start recognizing that courage in myself, and appreciating not only it, but the love that I do have in my life, from the people who ARE supporting me.  Being so hateful of myself, my images and the things I do does a disservice to them, too.  It devalues their gifts of love and support, and treats those gifts as if they’re not worth anything, because I’m too busy w/criticizing myself to notice the love & appreciation I DO have in my life. ..:P  So from here on in, I’m gonna try ant stop that nonsense. :)

I AM beautiiful, dammit.  I need to start celebrating that fact, and be grateful for every bit of this body’s beauty & strength.  I need to start appreciating it more, as well as the people who support me, and recognize this HUGE blessing that I have- that I have this body to move, no matter WHAT size it is. ♥♥♥

:)

We should be proud, rally ‘round, and relish our accomplishments, no?  We gotta take a time out to ENJOY our bright times and our achievements! *beams*  So, I’m sharing these photos w/you. :)  Here’s hoping these make you smile too (in the GOOD way), and that maybe they inspire other folks to go out and dance (or dream, or sing, or write, or do whatever), too. :)

Oh!  And Kindle says she may very well have video of our last few songs coming soon, so as soon as those surface, I’ll let y’all know. :)  Thus far I don’t think anyone got video of my “Egyptian Ella” piece, but if not, someday I’ll just have to dance it again for you on YouTube. ;)  (But, if someone did get my Summer Solstice Fest “Egyptian Ella” performance, I would be tremendously grateful for a link to your video! ^_^)

Huge gratitude to Amodeo Photography for their beautiful photos, kindness & support, to Downtown Blacksburg for having us, and again, Kindle for inviting me to dance w/her onstage, and to share in that tremendous experience. ♥♥♥

Many Grateful Cheers,
Ylluria